The "AssMan" Cup is here!

Finally! In honor of my Husband, the "AssMan" I have created a coffee cup as close to the shape of the Tim Horton mug as possible, that he loves so much.

I will be creating different versions..."AssMan-Arama", "Mrs. AssMan", "That's Mr. AssMan to you!".

If you have any other suggestions, I would be happy to entertain and create!

Shoe Bulimia...Oh how I suffer....Could there be such an Ailment?

As I look back over the last 9 months, I have to wonder what my life lessons had to offer. There's the obvious..."be careful what you wish for"...although I'm glad I wished for it, the insecurity of the future and how I might pay for that future is a little hard to bear or imagine, but I'm sure that's part of the lesson too!

There's the realization that "I'm not as relevant or as important" in the whole scheme of things as I thought I might be. I thought I would make a difference in the world as a Civil Engineer. I thought I would go to third world countries and apply my common sense and my professional expertise and be able to look back and say that I helped people, that I made a difference, but as it turns out my role as a mother is maybe all that matters. I look at my boys and I know that I was relevant in their lives, I know that I kicked their asses all the way to where they are at and they turned out to be awesome human beings...that is my testiment to making a difference in this world. Yes they are 15 and 17 years old and it's just the beginning, but they both have a kindness and compassion that hasn't been lost to the harsh realities of this world, like so many other young people. They are truly amazing people. They have been exposed to as much reality through my experiences and my soap box "discussions" as I could muster up. And although they will have to experience a lot on their own, I have given them a good start. They are not naive, but they are also not hardened by the hurtful things in this world that can create a slow torturous cancer of hatred and resentment. They are expressive and they have learned about fairness, justice and consequences. They are creative and caring individuals, but also young men who know what fight to fight and what trivial unjusts to walk away from.

Another realization is the "get your house in order" or in other words, "get your shit together!" concept. The first step to rebirth, I guess is to purge all unneccessary belongings and associations. Well that's a big task when you look in my shoe closet...and then the spare room shoe closet. My step daughter would be the likely poor soul that I could corner and transfer title to, but as it turns out she has smaller feet. So as I search my mind for a solution to my dilemma I realize my son's girlfriend is a member of the big-foot club. I know you might think, "just give them away", but no that's not an option. These are beautiful platform high heels that just can't be given away...maybe sold...but that's a lot of work too. Ebay is not all that it seems. And its a gut punch to put something up on Ebay or Etsy to find out no one thinks your crap is a great as you think it is. So surrendering prized possessions to the next generation is like passing down the crown from Queen to Princess. It was a wonderful feeling to have a wonderful pair of shoes that someone 30 years younger would think is a treasure. I'm sure that is the positive affect of "Responsible Purging". Just throwing things away or donating them does not leave one with a good feeling...its actually depressing, because you know what you spent and how little it was used. So giving something away to someone that you know will treasure your item leaves you with a wonderful feeling of knowing that this mini crown will be worn with great pride.

There's another lesson too that has been a hard one. I have had time to think and ponder the meaning of my life. Why do I feel like I've missed something? I have hiked and walked and biked and drove only to realize that it is "the moment" that matters. Every moment is the time to enjoy it. A picture can't save the moment, a memory can't save it either. Only living and truly enjoying that moment is all that makes it relevant. I have learned to enjoy the misery as well, as it is the only contrast we have to what is beautiful and truly pleasurable. This is the hardest, because we tend to plan our way through everything with the thought that the "grass is greener". Every moment seems to have a purpose. Missing someone only makes you appreciate them when they are with you. Being lonely makes you appreciate being around your loved ones.

Feeling lost makes you appreciate the feeling of discovery. It makes you yearn for more wisdom, people, love, honesty...just more of everything, even "more shoes"!

Whiskey anyone? One drop or two?

I'd be hard pressed to find a way to put any good amount of Whiskey in this jug...but it's darn cute, though! My son has a wonderful imagination. http://www.etsy.com/listing/50270474/miniture-whiskey-jug

Recycling for the Bored...

After eating corndogs...do something responsible with your left over ketchup and mustard!

Happy Cat...Happy Cat...Please Don't Poke Me in the Eye Again....

So I’ve been thinking I was kinda sad…so I decided to watch a chic flick that has some scenes that make you cry and then comes full circle with a semi happy ending…The Time Travelers Wife…That sounds like it will make me have a good cry. Let me explain…I won’t just cry for no reason…when everything feels like shit I have to plan a sit down and watch a movie or read a book that has some feel good mushy stuff so that I can channel my sorrow through the movie and then move on. Yeah I know it’s mental…but it works.

So I sit down and prepare for my cry session. My wonderful husband has created a network and has saved movies so that we can watch the movies and shows whenever we feel the inkling. So I go through the process of finding the movie…The Time Travelers Wife. I’ve prepared myself and I’m ready to purge… The show keeps getting stuck and I try several times to restart the movie, only to get more frustrated. I could have gotten up and reset the server, but by this time I’m frustrated…(did I mention that I'm selectively lazy)...and now I don’t want to cry anymore…I want to yell at someone… oh just go fuck off!

Realizing that that desire has no happy ending here at home… I decide to go for a bike ride and then watch Tosh.o and read some of Sarah Silverman’s new book. Cynicism and raw humor can also be a temporary cure for the uneasy soul. Reminder to self…tape the word “find a well paying job” to the perpetual waving cat. As I ponder my words…I find myself looking at the cat…just waving at me. Is she mocking me, waving goodbye or waving me forward as to ask me “come closer, no closer, no even closer retard” until I am nose to almost nose with this golden inanimate creature that we have half heartedly decided to add to our eclectic home décor as a reminder not to take ourselves or anything else so seriously …Oh and what the hay…. We taped “win megabucks” to it… Right then she poked me in the eye, as to say, “Stop acting like an idiot and go do something productive, you fucking moron”.

Oh how I miss my high stress career working in a male dominated field of construction. That is what I miss…whenever I was pissed I could cuss like a truck driver and tell one of my cohorts to just go fuck off. Can’t do that at home…my little piglets and monkeys (kids = piglets…dogs = monkeys, although sometimes the dogs=piglets too when I humanize them as my kids)… would probably be traumatized…I cuss to the air at my frustration…but there’s nothing like telling someone to fuck off and then not having to bear the brunt of a retaliation or negative consequence.

Well my son mentioned that he reset the server, so I reschedule my purging session and watched the show...Yes it relieved a little of the sadness.

Enough to watch "Shudder Island" next.

A great combo...happy, sad, intrigued, scared, psychotic...whew...I'm good now. :)

Fuck off Happy Cat!

Man Calves...

Mom, why don't you go work out your "Man Calves".

That's my son's way of trying to be funny and get under my skin.

I say, "These man calves can surely plant the attached size 10's squarely in your rear! and don't make me pull out the naked baby pictures for your girlfriend to peruse!"

Yep I have legs of steel...well almost. I used to use these weapons on the boys in middle school...well because I liked them. These legs expressed all my affection when I would capture a boy in the back bus seat and proceed to catch my foot on the edge of the seat in front of us at an angle, so as to get the best leverage and push as hard as I could to squeeze the life out of him. When "he" couldn't breathe anymore I would demand his surrender... Once "he" was completely under my enslavement...I would release my prey and I would move on to my next victim.

Love was simple. And thank goodness I finally figured out how to capture a man without crushing his ribcage.

Full circle to an afternoon unsuspecting of a moment of awareness. I was skipping work with some cohorts one Friday afternoon. Drinking margaritas was a part of the crime as well. I found myself expressing a few things that I had never said out loud before.

We were discussing what we found attractive in the opposite sex. I thought for a moment and stated that the top three things were: eyes, teeth and calves. Everyone looked at me puzzled and prodded me for an explanation. Well it's simple...eyes and teeth need to be white and clean because they are definetely a sign of general good health. The eyes need to be kind and direct...no looking at the ground or away from me when speaking...the eyes tell a lot about someone's character. The teeth tell a lot about cleaniness...I mean if I'm going to potentially stick my tongue in that month...it better be clean!

My crime partners asked about the calves. I explained that this man needed to be strong and calves are an indication of health and physical strength as well. I kept myself healthy and physically fit, it was only fair that my mate do the same!

They all looked at me and asked if I was buying a horse or a man...I looked back, puzzled. "What's the difference? Same concept...it's very practical! And besides, I have to have a man with bigger calves than me!"

Employment Challenged...It's a Good Thing for Now

They say be careful what you wish for. I imagined staying home and wrapping up the last few years that I had while my kids were still at home and under my care, just trying to be a better mom, wife and maybe an entrepreneur. And so it goes....

Well the mom and wife thing is working out so far. The entrepreneur thing is still in the works...I have so many dreams and projects to undertake in this brief time away from a full time traditional career.

We moved into this house 5 years ago and I'm just now starting to get all the projects done that I have wanted to do for so long. There's definitely a satisfaction that goes with marking each accomplishment off of my goal list. Some of the projects include....

1. Pool table cover...Very cool if I must say so myself. Now I just have to clear the pool table and bar off from my other projects.
2. Roman shades that match the pool table cover using the mechanics of a throw away blinds...I'm so smart! ( I have to maintain my engineering mind ya know!)
3. Pavers under the new shed. Yep I used a level and did a top notch job.
4. Put together the new shed.
5. Retractable clothes line...I love hanging some of my clothes out...Jeans for example, they don't shrink so much! Hanging it on the house was a real challenge! The stud finder didn't find studs...so I had to drill a line of holes and find the studs with hit and miss.
6. I hung the storage in the garage from the ceiling to get all the crap up off the floor.
7. I'm slowly and reluctantly going through all my stuff to organize and purge all the crap of twenty something years.
8. I created a Pottery Studio in the garage for Nick and I to throw some pots.
9. I decorated Nick's bathroom with corrugated metal roofing...very cool looking...just a border along the top of the wall to cover the ugly mickey mouse wall boarder. It looks rustic and industrial. I learned a few things about cutting corrugated metal.

All and all, the last 5 months have been good for me and I'm hoping good for my family as well. I'm working out almost everyday of the work week. I visit my mother and do things with her that I haven't done in a long time. I signed up to be treasurer for the Nevada Clay Guild. I'm trying to pass my real estate exam...so that may be my next career move besides being a Potter and Jewelry Maker!

I recently got married (a little over a year ago) and my new daughter moved down from Alaska to go to college. This employment change happened at the right time. I was able to clear out a room for her and make it nice, the way I envisioned it for her. I've been able to spend more quality time with my boys. I've been able to do the things I've wanted to for a very long time. Everything is good. There's a peace here and I'm grateful to be in the moment.

There's always a silver lining and I always find it. Life can be what you imagine it to be. I'm definitely smelling the roses!

First Toy Hauler Experience with the boys!

October 2007

Ok...so I got the toy hauler and the quad and the dune buggy...so let's go...let's go have some fun…it's got to be fun, cause all the guys are doing this…it's "the" thing to do, right?

Ok its 6 in morning and we're ready to go and the friggin' truck wont start…great somebody left the dome light on the night before…that would be my fault because my son was looking for the keys I lost the night before and because he was helping me find them it's my fault he left the light on….? OK it's my fault, move on….

Ok now what…ok we will jump start the truck…except I forget if you attach the red thingy first or the black and when do you start the car? Ok I think I know except it doesn't work because the battery has a plastic protection thing on it…Ok I can see the headlines "mom blows up kids and her house and half the block because she cant remember where she put her keys"…so what do I do?….I know…what any respectable independent woman would do….I call for help… (Thank god for old boyfriends that have remained close enough to rescue me whenever I need them….!!!)

By the way I'm sure I have no business hauling a twenty something foot trailer with stuff in it…but I keep thinking "outside of the box, Audrey"…

So off we go, and I'm scared shitless….and did I mention I was scared…

So is 60 mph on a 70 mph road so bad?…I mean what the hell, I'm carrying my babies and their college fund attached to the back…but everyone seems to be so annoyed with me…what's up with that?

So off we go…everything is going fine…I've mastered the hook up and the hook down and the generator and the refrigerator and the toilet thing….how about which road do I pick to get out to these monstrous dunes that I can see but cant see how to get to, because I cant figure out which little road goes somewhere verses nowhere….

Ok well, we're there and we get everything out and I start to set up camp…cause that's what I do…and I cook and I wash dishes…this is starting to feel just like home, oh goody….don't you just love it…what's for lunch mom????

Ok well how do you get this damn gas pump to work….we tried everything…and the people who broke into the trailer two weeks ago didn't have a problem stealing 20 gallons of gas out of it, but I cant figure out how to do it with the lights on and all the electricity going…well thank god we have cell service…Hey we'll just call the RV dealer…hey that works… you have to have the ground wire connected to the frame…well who the hell would know that! And why didn't you tell me that before…?

Hey I want to try to ride, looks like fun…except I forgot my three sports bras…holey crap…it's so bumpy…but I'll admit, it's fun, except…I don't have all the cool gear and when I almost fell off doing a donut, I realized riding pants and boots might be on my Christmas list this year…of course pink ones, Santa, please!

OK ten minutes of that, and I'm done…now how about a beer and a movie….just my style…stuck in the middle of the desert, nowhere to shop, no laundry to do…no wonder guys like this stuff…I can eat pork rinds, drink beer and watch movies with no guilt…cause there's nothing else to do!!!! And the kids are gone too…oh my god a slice of heaven…where's a boyfriend when you need one….

Oh my god it's so cold at night out there and what if someone steals the quads…or tries to break in or I don't know…its just my nature to worry…and so it goes we don't use the heater because we might burn down…It's a legitimate worry…

Well its so darn cold…I have to get up and turn the heater on…I'll watch it and then turn it off once its warm…except we've never used it and when I turn it on…well it smells…and guess what that beeping noise is…you guessed it…the fire alarm…oh and covering it with your hand doesn't muffle the sound very much either…so I just unscrew it…lovely I'm such a responsible parent…yeah I just unplugged the fire alarm because its too noisy.

Well hey now that everyone's up how about some popcorn and a movie…beer anyone?

Morning is great…I think we made it…and the quads are still here and I didn't have to use my rifle to ward off any bears or hitchhiker types…not to mention that an unloaded shot gun wont do much good in any case….

The best thing…coffee and I did good, I remembered to bring something for breakfast for the kids…what a mom….!

Cooking for my boys is great…and a boyfriend that liked to do the dishes would be great right about now….

Ok time to go…it's amazing how home can motivate you…

I think we did pretty good for a dingbat mom and a couple of two drink minimum comedy acts….I think me forgetting the ketchup was the biggest disappointment for the little one…and "No soda or candy on this trip" for the big one, I think I can live with that!

The only damage that I think that may have occurred would be me driving home in 4 wheel drive…I heard a clunk a few times pulling out and as I pulled into town still wondering, I looked down to find that I had forgot to put it 2 wheel drive…so we'll see…I guess it's only money….right…and I will probably never forget again…at least that one thing…but there's so many things to remember…this guy stuff is so hard….I think it would be easier to just get a guy…I wonder if eBay sells boyfriends!!!!!

Good times……..

Update...found one and he's a keeper...it's amazing what you can find on the internet! Match.com does work...kinda...Another story!

The Moment You Realize You are Wearing Your Underwear Inside Out

There comes a time in a day, when I'm tired or down and I find myself realizing something that I have done, I replay it in my mind and I find myself laughing...before I know it I feel way better! It's good when you like yourself. I am quite hard on myself sometimes, but most of time it's balanced with my stand up routine in my head...I'm the audience too. Today it was when I went to the ladies room and realized I was wearing my underwear inside out. This lead me to the other time...very similar a few years ago...hence the comedy routine....one act leads to another and wa la my moment of self pity is turned around 180!
I was walking into Starbucks and feeling quite flirty and confident. A European guy sitting at a nearby table...interrupted my "me" party to ask me a few questions. I thought oh he's flirting with me...and he's foreign (I felt flattered). He was a very small and wiry man...not my type...but for some reason it was still a compliment that a foreign man flirted with me...(probably happens to other women as well)...
So every compliment and comment I take with a grain of salt but I devour them never the less! I proceed into the shop to get my daily I.V. of cafe de latte. On the way out he continues to try to have a conversation, so I oblige by stopping and chatting for a few minutes. I think, "oh this is great to meet people who are nice in this town"...as the conversation continues I realize that this guy is a slick talker (but with a great accent) that is like every other parasite in this lovely city, so I excuse myself nicely and continue on to my car. As I get in and do a quick check "me" out in the mirror to congratulate myself on seeing through this person's attempt at being genuine. I notice something weird about my sweater...I then open the mirror on the visor to see myself a little bit better...
My Sweater Was Inside Out!! with the tag and seam hanging out...I know it doesn't sound all that bad...and believe me it wasn't, it was just hilarious in my head...it was just one of those moments where humility, confidence and comedy all had a party in my head...I can only laugh every time something like this happens.

The Sharpest Tool in the Shed...

The old saying is, "he's not the sharpest tool in the shed". We know what it means, but how about this...

If the sharpest tool in the shed never hits the pavement and it sits in the shed, never doing hard work...is it worth more than the dull edged tool that gets used in overtime, because it gets the job done in spite of short comings? I liken that to the intellectuals and elitists that make policy and run this country in between their vacations in Martha's Vineyard and their special interest group parties.

If your not willing to get dirty, work hard in the trenches and eat the same food as the troops once in a while...well you're not a leader...you're a dictator and your supporters will eventually grow to resent you and your arrogance will soon become your Achilles' heel.