Shoe Bulimia...Oh how I suffer....Could there be such an Ailment?

As I look back over the last 9 months, I have to wonder what my life lessons had to offer. There's the obvious..."be careful what you wish for"...although I'm glad I wished for it, the insecurity of the future and how I might pay for that future is a little hard to bear or imagine, but I'm sure that's part of the lesson too!

There's the realization that "I'm not as relevant or as important" in the whole scheme of things as I thought I might be. I thought I would make a difference in the world as a Civil Engineer. I thought I would go to third world countries and apply my common sense and my professional expertise and be able to look back and say that I helped people, that I made a difference, but as it turns out my role as a mother is maybe all that matters. I look at my boys and I know that I was relevant in their lives, I know that I kicked their asses all the way to where they are at and they turned out to be awesome human beings...that is my testiment to making a difference in this world. Yes they are 15 and 17 years old and it's just the beginning, but they both have a kindness and compassion that hasn't been lost to the harsh realities of this world, like so many other young people. They are truly amazing people. They have been exposed to as much reality through my experiences and my soap box "discussions" as I could muster up. And although they will have to experience a lot on their own, I have given them a good start. They are not naive, but they are also not hardened by the hurtful things in this world that can create a slow torturous cancer of hatred and resentment. They are expressive and they have learned about fairness, justice and consequences. They are creative and caring individuals, but also young men who know what fight to fight and what trivial unjusts to walk away from.

Another realization is the "get your house in order" or in other words, "get your shit together!" concept. The first step to rebirth, I guess is to purge all unneccessary belongings and associations. Well that's a big task when you look in my shoe closet...and then the spare room shoe closet. My step daughter would be the likely poor soul that I could corner and transfer title to, but as it turns out she has smaller feet. So as I search my mind for a solution to my dilemma I realize my son's girlfriend is a member of the big-foot club. I know you might think, "just give them away", but no that's not an option. These are beautiful platform high heels that just can't be given away...maybe sold...but that's a lot of work too. Ebay is not all that it seems. And its a gut punch to put something up on Ebay or Etsy to find out no one thinks your crap is a great as you think it is. So surrendering prized possessions to the next generation is like passing down the crown from Queen to Princess. It was a wonderful feeling to have a wonderful pair of shoes that someone 30 years younger would think is a treasure. I'm sure that is the positive affect of "Responsible Purging". Just throwing things away or donating them does not leave one with a good feeling...its actually depressing, because you know what you spent and how little it was used. So giving something away to someone that you know will treasure your item leaves you with a wonderful feeling of knowing that this mini crown will be worn with great pride.

There's another lesson too that has been a hard one. I have had time to think and ponder the meaning of my life. Why do I feel like I've missed something? I have hiked and walked and biked and drove only to realize that it is "the moment" that matters. Every moment is the time to enjoy it. A picture can't save the moment, a memory can't save it either. Only living and truly enjoying that moment is all that makes it relevant. I have learned to enjoy the misery as well, as it is the only contrast we have to what is beautiful and truly pleasurable. This is the hardest, because we tend to plan our way through everything with the thought that the "grass is greener". Every moment seems to have a purpose. Missing someone only makes you appreciate them when they are with you. Being lonely makes you appreciate being around your loved ones.

Feeling lost makes you appreciate the feeling of discovery. It makes you yearn for more wisdom, people, love, honesty...just more of everything, even "more shoes"!